i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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