you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
