The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
