Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
