Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
