I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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