i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
