Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
