8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize