Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
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