margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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