yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
