Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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