I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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