i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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