hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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