if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
