I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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