Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize