I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
