im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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