Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
