I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
