If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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