I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
