and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
