Jerry, you need to find god
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
