just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
