Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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