I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
