I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
