A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
