My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
