when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
