You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
