they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
