I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
