I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
