May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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