Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
