That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
