i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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