You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
