Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
bring money and cleavage
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
