My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
