apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
