When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
