Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
