My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
