Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
nutella sex= disaster
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
