Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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