I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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