I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
