I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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