bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
