I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
