My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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