she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
