we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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