Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize