I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
