this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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