i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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