my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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